An Ordinary Journeyman

I had finished writing the code for my most ambitious project thus far. I had written in all the functionality meticulously in such a way that it would all work seamlessly together. I had unit tested every part of the project independently, I had written a lot of additional code to make the unit tests possible as well.

All that remained was for me to hit the enter key to run the full code all together. All I had to do was to take that one step and I would know if my approach bore fruit, if all that I had done was meanigful or if I had to waste several more weeks debugging my code.

And it is at times like this that I often ask myself: is it worth it? Is it worth it for me to know? This is afterall just a hobby project and all I get out of it is satisfaction, is it really worth it for me to know whether it really works? couldn't I stash it away and pretend it works? Is it really worth me pressing that key? There is an undeniable truth lying beyond this moment, is it worth it for me to ask time to tick? It is at this point that I weigh the pros and the cons, because until now, I am having fun writing code and learning new methods, but now, what lies ahead of me is the possibility of gruelling and very un-fun debugging.

And this a document of what I have thought at such times.

What of bravery I do ask of myself, what of the brave self that does not shy away from such challenges? But to that question the answer is always, it is not as if I am to be a hero of all circumstances, if anything this one feels perfectly fine to not be a hero of.

And then I ask myself, what of all the effort, and I reply to myself, I might have to put in more than that if this crashes after I press the enter key.

In the end I manage to ask myself the question that gives me the answer which satisfies me. What is it that I am truly afraid of?

What I am afraid of is that after all this effort, just by pressing the enter key, instead of having my effort affirmed, what might instead happen is that I might be informed that my thought process, my very way of looking at the universe is flawed. That my journey has not ended, but it has only begun, that there are miles to go before I get to sleep, and that even after that, I must get up again and start walking. That I am but an ordinary journeyman in a forest of utter mysteries. And it is this answer that finally inspires me enough to get up and take one more step.